Heat Advisory

Have you ever noticed that people get seriously crazy during heat advisories?  If you haven't, they do.  Today, there is a heat advisory in the lovely state of Indiana.  Not that it really is all that shocking.  If you don't know about Indiana weather, it is completely unpredictable.  One minute it is a beautiful day, the next it is a massive thunderstorm.  Then the next day, you wake up to snow on the ground.  I'm not exaggerating.  At all.  One year, it snowed on my sister's birthday. My sister's birthday is in May.  Anyway, today there is a heat advisory.  And let me just tell you, people are crazy.  Not like eating other people crazy (that was sooo last month...almost).  No, they are just crazy. Want an example?  No?  Well here it is anyway.  On my drive home today a woman walked across a busy intersection during rush hour.  She literally just walked across. Didn't look to see if cars were coming, which they were.  She just walked right across.  Feeling a little entitled today ma'am?  Apparently.  Because last I checked, car beats human in rock, paper, scissors.  But apparently you don't follow those rules.  Maybe it's the whole Avengers kick that everyone is on right now.  Maybe, like me, she has spent the whole week at VBS and was feeling the "crossing the Red Sea" story.  If that is the case, she should be informed that the cars are not being parted for her to get over to Walgreens.  Plus, why is she in such a hurry?  Walgreens is open 24 hours a day.  Maybe, and probably, it is just the heat.  Either way, look both ways before crossing the street lady.  It is Kindergarten 101.  And for all those of you here in Indiana, be cautious during this heat advisory.  I'm not just talking about "not doing strenuous activities outside, or not leaving people or pets in cars."  I'm talking about be cautious for any of the heat crazy people.  They are out there.  So be warned.

#RetiredGuyProblems

So for a while now, we have been trying to convince Dad A to start a twitter account called "Retired Guy Problems." (For reference:  I have 4 parents so we have conveniently labeled them by the letters of their last names. Mom and Dad A, Mom and Dad B.)  Anyway, Dad A has been retired for a little while now and I just can't help but think that Retired Guy Problems is a must.  Seriously.  But he will not budge on the topic.  So.  I have taken it upon myself to tell you a few of them now.  Because I think at least the small, probably minuscule portion of the world that reads my blog should get to hear them.  These are real life.  And funny.  I am going to write them tweet style.  Here we go:


"Hey, don't use all the tea.  I am almost out. #RetiredGuyProblems"
"All these bras get tangled up in the rest of the laundry.  It is a pain to untangle. #RetiredGuyProblems"
"Did you check to make sure the green light wasn't on before you put those dishes in the dishwasher? #RetiredGuyProblems"
"What time is dinner tonight because I want to go hit a few golf balls and won't be back until 7. #RetiredGuyProblems"
"I just don't want to have to play my guitar all afternoon, so I think I will go for a bike ride.  #RetiredGuyProblems"
"Could you get the laundry out of the dryer?  Because I really want to go for a walk. #RetiredGuyProblems"




See what I mean?  They are wonderful.  Alright.  That is all I have for you today.


"Off to the pool.  Just wishing it wasn't so hot outside... #MiddleClassGirlProblems"

Public Service Announcement

Dear girls who wear underwear as pants, please stop.  I mean I get it.  It happens to the best of us.  You wake up in the morning, you are tired, and you accidentally grab your jean underwear instead of real pants.  Classic mistake.  Except for when it isn't.  Which, so you know, is all the time.  I mean, honestly, once they came out with those pull-ups that look like jean material we were all doomed.  If babies can wear jean underwear as clothes, why can't we?  Maybe that is what your thought process was this morning when you decided that the jean shorts that cup your tuchus like glad wrap on a bowl of pasta salad, were a good choice of pants for the day.  If it was, you should know, that it is not o.k.  Honestly, why did you even put shorts on?  If you were going to show your tush anyway, you might as well have just put on your underwear and headed out for the day.  And fyi, it isn't flattering!  This is why we made shorts in the first place!  So you wouldn't be walking around in your underwear.  Because, as shocking as this may be to you, people don't want to see your butt hanging out from underneath the hem of your pants.  And now, I am forced to sit here in my room, wondering why I had to have the misfortune of unwillingly seeing your posterior just because I wanted to go to a nice dinner with my family.  (And side-note, there is no need to dress up like Pop Star Barbie to go to dinner at a bar and grill.  Leave the sequin mini dress and platforms at home!  This is a family establishment!)  So this is my PSA for the day.  Ladies, please put on some shorts that don't resemble my baby cousin's pull-ups.  Do you really want your shorts to look like the underpants children who pee on themselves have to wear?  I didn't think so.

Introvert-Alert

I am a total introvert.  No seriously.  And to some people, it doesn't make sense because I love to talk.  I mean I have a blog.  Clearly I like to be the center of attention sometimes.  I was always confused too.  How could one person both love to spend time in groups AND be introverted at the same time?  But then I realized, it isn't necessarily whether you are loud or not that makes you introverted, it is where you get your energy from.  So no.  The fact that I am an introvert doesn't mean that I spend all day cooped up in my house wearing dark hoodies and sweatpants, playing video games and reading Fantasy novels in the dark corners of my basement, secretly plotting my take over of the world.  Clearly my previous view of introverts was a little extreme and completely unrealistic.  I mean, ok, sometimes I do put on my grungy sweats and play video games or read a book or listen to music in my basement... But its not the same.  The good thing is, I was wrong about what being an introvert means!  I can be an introvert and love to spend time with other people.  I just get my energy from spending time alone.  I guess after a while of being around a lot of people, I get worn out   A friend of mine asked me recently (by recently, I mean literally within a few hours ago.  Congrats Hunter, if you read this, you made it in my blog! Woo!  And inspired the whole topic of it!) Anyway, he asked me what I do during all my alone time.  Well, I read and play music and watch movies and exercise and listen to music and write blogs... Honestly though, half the time I am not even really sure what I am doing.  It is like a time warp.  It's just a jump to the left.  And then a step to the right. (Sorry.  Quick Rocky Horror musical interlude right there.)  It is like a time warp.  One minute I am sitting down to play the Sims and the next second, I look to the clock to find it has been hours.  Or I think, maybe I will just read a book.  And then hours later I realize I have been sitting in the dark reading because the sun went down and I didn't even notice.  Maybe I'm just really spacey...  Who knows. In reality, I don't think it really even matters what I do, as long as I have time to relax and de-stress from having so many people around to entertain.  I think it would probably be good for anyone to do every once and a while actually.  So grab your ipod and a good book and cuddle up in a blanket on the couch sometime.  It is worth it.  Just don't end up like a hermit, contained to your bedroom, whose only social life consists of asking virtual elves for help on journeys in a fictional, mystic world, still living in your parent's house at the age of 45, working part-time at the nearest Game Stop.

Famous

Sometimes, I just get this fleeting desire to be famous.  I also sometimes get a fleeting desire to eat Twizzlers which I normally hate.  But I didn't really think I could write a whole blog about Twizzlers.  Maybe I could... Maybe I will make that happen.  Do you want me to?  Good thing I can't hear your response or else you might tell me no and then I wouldn't be able to.  Any-who, I have this fleeting desire to be famous.  And by fleeting, I mean it started in the first grade and is still going.  You see, when I was just a young, extremely awkward looking, very shy, yet way more confident than I had reason to be 1st grader, I wanted to be a singer.  I wanted to get up on stage and belt out the jams.  At this age the "jams" were all oldies tunes because I was too young to have radio control in the mini-van.  But despite my strange knowledge of songs dating before my birth, I wanted to be a singer.  Of course, I then saw the movie Selena and thought all singers were killed so I stopped having that dream, but it came back to me later on in life.  I still want that dream.  My pure lack of real singing talent prevents this of course, although it doesn't stop me from singing literally all the time.  I am sort of like one of those cards that plays music.  Every time my mouth is open, I am singing.  And it is normally the same few songs over and over.  None of this is important.  What is important is that for some strange reason, I have this secret (except for now it is on the internet so it will never go away ever).  I secretly just want to be famous.  This is usually ignited when I see a good movie with an especially attractive male lead.  But nevertheless, it is true.  Maybe that is why I have this blog.  Its like my little slice of fame except for the fact that basically only my family members or close family friends read it.  I like to just ignore that idea and pretend I have celebrity followers like Zac Efron or Chase Crawford who read this blog and think "Wow.  What a unique, witty, beautiful, inspiring, hilarious, amazing woman.  I think I want to marry her."  This is my dream, ok?  So just play along.  And also, I would really like some Twizzlers.

Anti-Photogenic

I hate photogenic people.  They make me so mad.  Why,  you ask?  Jealousy.  I am straight up hulking it out, green with envy over here.  Which makes it really hard to type because my giant green hulk fingers don't fit on this tiny keyboard.  But that is not the point.  I don't actually think there is a point.  But if there is, that is not it.  You see, every day I stand in front of the mirror and attempt to make myself look less like Miley Cyrus' much poorer, less stylish, un-famous half-cousin.  It is a hard job let me tell you.  And I like to think that I succeed.  Just like the band LMFAO, I work out.  And I put make-up on... most of the time.  Ok yes, I don't really brush my hair on a daily basis but its curly!  It would look even worse if I did.  That might just be an excuse.  Oh well.  The fact of the matter is, even if I look at myself in the mirror and think, "Wow!  This is the best I have ever looked!" when I get a picture taken of me and see it later, I look like a sheepdog with really humanistic features.  There is always something.  Sometimes, you get me at an angle that makes my nose look 10 miles long.  Other times, my shirt falls weird and I look pregnant.  And no matter how much make-up I put on, I still look like a 15 year old.  You can never see it.  I look like I just woke up from a long nap.  And I am not talking about the way Hollywood portrays waking up from a nap.  You know, when your hair looks perfect and somehow your eyeliner isn't smeared down your face like you have been crying for eight hours.  No, I look like what people actually look like when they wake up from a nap.  So yes.  I hate photogenic people.  I am actually anti-photogenic people.  Because they ruin it for all the rest of us.  And then I end up being that person.  You know.  The one you look up on facebook to show your friends but then you can't find a single good picture of them so you start backpeddling like, "well they don't normally look like this." or "her hair isn't actually as large as the empire state building."  Yeah.  I know you know what I am talking about.  So I say, we ban all photogenic people from having their picture taken.  Are you with me?

These Are My Confessions

So I have a confession.  I wasn't sure if I was going to go public with this.  It is pretty personal and could ruin my reputation, I am sure of it.  But here it is.  I can't believe I am saying it.  I have gained a new love of the band One Direction.  I know, I know.  How could I go to the dark side like that?  But the whole "What Makes You Beautiful" song is extremely catchy despite the fact that it if you listen to the words it sounds like they are saying insecure girls are the beautiful ones.  Which I mean, ok, that probably isn't the greatest message.  Lets not encourage insecurity in young girls.  But maybe I am just reading too much into it.  I do that a lot.  Like a lot, a lot.  When I was little, I liked to read the book "Oh, the Places You'll Go" and the one thing I always focused on was this picture where the main character was standing on the very top of a building playing basketball.  I would sit there tracing and retracing the staircases, trying to find a way down.  There isn't one.  Just so you know.  Now that I have revealed that I am slightly crazy, with a reference to my childhood that has no connection to what I was saying, lets go back to One Direction.  "One Thing" that I really enjoy about the band One Direction (If you didn't catch that, "One Thing" is a title of one of their songs.) is the fact that the member named Harry Styles has a crazy huge hair style.  Get it?  Harry Styles.  Hair Styles... Seriously?  Oh the irony.  Speaking of hairstyles, my sister Amber had a revelation the other day.  She said, "Bumper stickers are like mullets.  The front and the sides of your car look classy, but the back can be as trashy as you want."  Clever right?  No offense if you have a mullet of course.  Be yourself and all that.  Just consider cutting it.  That is all I am saying about that.  Anyway, what was I talking about?  Oh right, One Direction.  Despite the fact that I was originally opposed to the band, I now love it.  So there.  It's out in the air.  Hopefully you don't hate me now.  Of course, if you do, that means you are really close-minded so I probably don't hang out with you much anyway... 

People Eating People??

So what is up with all these people randomly eating people right now? (If you haven't heard about this, I am sure you will because it is all over the news.)  But seriously.  What is going on?  Zombie Apocalypse?  Top Chef episode gone wrong?  I blame hipsters.  Now everyone is trying to be all "original."  You know, like "I ate people before it was cool."  I hope that no one ever says that.  Seriously.  But I mean, what is this about?  And even more importantly, what do vegetarians have to say about it?  Personally, everything I know about zombies comes from video games.  Yes.  I play video games.  If you haven't discovered how nerdy I am yet then you are truly unobservant.  But anyway, the truth is, I am great at killing Nazi zombies on Call of Duty.  Those anti-Semitic undead jerks.  And if I was in the Wild West, I could totally survive because I have had tons of practice on Red Dead Redemption, Undead Nightmare.  But lets be honest, hitting buttons on my XBox controller isn't going to help me much when swarms of bloody, deteriorating, human eaters come busting through my door.  All I know is that ever since I heard the news, I have been storing blades, shotguns and torches and I have been timing myself to see how fast I can get outside and onto my roof since we all know zombies can't climb ladders.  Should I go ahead and make some crazy deep connection now to life?  Yes I think I will.  Think about zombies like the stresses of society.  If you let them, they will chew you up and spit you out.  You will end up walking around like another zombie, not really living because you are letting stress get the best of you.  Don't let the zombie apocalypse that is stress and worry turn you into another of the undead.  Just pull out your torch and burn those stressors to the ground.  But just remember, you have to get their heads or else they will just get right back up and gnaw on your fingers like baby carrots.

Random Rant Of the Week!

Ok.  So today's blog is all about me ranting about one random thing that makes me crazy!  So get ready.  I don't even know where to begin! Yes I do.  The Little Mermaid.  Don't get me wrong, I love the movie despite all the skewed gender roles, the completely inappropriate outfit she wears, the fact that it's all about disobeying your parents to get what you want, and the fact that it basically shows a man falling in love with a girl solely on her appearance because she never even spoke to him!  But despite all those things, I still love the movie.  I mean come on, who didn't play Little Mermaids in the pool when they were a kid.  And if you just thought to yourself "Well Chloe, I actually didn't play Little Mermaids when I was kid."  then I am sorry to inform you that you had no childhood.  Anyway, the one part of The Little Mermaid that just drives me crazy is the fact that her hair never looks wet!  I mean I am sorry, but there is no way that her side part would stay perfectly parted all of the time.  And, she comes walking out of the water and her hair isn't at all stringy from being wet and it still moves in the wind.  No.  When I come bursting from the water like a scene from Bay Watch (only much less graceful) my hair does not blow in the wind with my perfect side part.  It looks like a mop that sticks to my face and is all dreaded up like Bob Marley.  I mean have you seen Ariel's hair?  It is thicker than her waist.  There is no way her hair could look that perfect after swimming around in the ocean all day.  Goodness.  I just can't handle it.  Anyway, that is my random rant for the week.  I'm sorry you had to sit through that.  But next time you watch The Little Mermaid, just check it out.  All I am saying is, my hair has never looked that good in my life, and yet she swims around in salt water all day and looks like she should be in a Loriel commercial. That was fun wasn't it?  If you are thinking no, then do not answer that question.

Where did I go?

I haven't blogged in a while.  Sorry about that.  I know all you loyal followers were probably starting to worry. Maybe you thought I had been eaten by wild dogs, or was taken victim to a zombie apocalypse.  Maybe you thought I broke all my fingers and was therefore unable to type, or that I fell and hit my head and lost every ounce of the sarcastic, strangely confusing (yet you still understand what I am saying) charm that draws you in every time I post a new blog.  Well, to answer your questions and put your worries to rest, the truth is, I have a bit of a life to tend to sometimes.  I have this thing, we like to call it a "job."  And when I started the blog, I was off work.  But then I went back to work and suddenly I forgot all about my blogging responsibilities.  I know what you are thinking.  "Why does the word 'moist' creep me out so much?"  You also may be thinking, "Chloe!  How could you forget about your blog for days?"  Well, I don't know why the word moist creeps me out.  It is just a gross word, ok?  But I will promise to try and not forget about my blog again.  Although I guarantee it will happen a few times.  Don't you worry your little heads one bit though because I'll be back.  Just like the Terminator.  That is what friends are for.  And that is also what people who love to write about pretty much nothing on a blog for you to read are for.  I like to think I am both of those things for you, whoever you are.  Honestly, it is 1 o'clock in the morning though.  And I am super tired.  And I am not even really sure what I have been writing for the past however long I have been sitting here.  So in the morning, I am sure I will read this and think, "Why did I ever let myself post that?"  But oh well.  Off to bed for me, or as I like to think of it, off to Disney World, because I find laying in my bed to be one of the "happiest places on Earth."